Birthing Class

J and I made a trip up to the hospital last night for our birthing class.

Things I learned:

  1. I am the oldest mother alive. PS–not really, but I was a good 10-15 years older than EVERY SINGLE FREAKING GIRL IN THE ROOM. Their spouses were wearing the yo dog pants that are belted around the thighs and sagging to their knees…and the shiny white sneakers that some baby will relish spitting up on.
  2. My butt falls asleep after an hour in a chair. I must have squirmed every 30 seconds after sitting for that first hour. Blame it on my age…I have poor circulation.
  3. According to our nurse, the doctor removes the needle being used before inserting a catheter for your epidural….WHAAAA??? She literally thought that the needle was just to make a hole. Then they insert the catheter. I thought J would spit trail mix out of his nose, but he held together remarkably well. That and the fear of revealing to a room full of pregnant women that he is indeed an anesthesiologist kept him silent.
  4. I am anal retentive and overly prepared.  Many of the moms in our class were due like on TUESDAY and I have nearly 3 months to go. Good thing I didn’t go with my first impulse and bring a note pad. They might have laughed me out of the room.
  5. I am (sorry mom!) very glad that my mom did not attend with me.  Some poor pregnant chick had her mother with her and she piped up every few minutes with a question that her daughter didn’t ask.
  6. There are mothers everywhere with bigger (insert favorite word for testicles here) than I have. One mother asked if she could cut the cord herself (I don’t even want to see it) and then remarked during our tour of the birthing center “I plan to be home in less than 24 hours. I don’t need to be here for 2 days”. (Ha! I’m not leaving until they force me.)
  7. Ya’ll are welcome to bring your “portable tape player/compact disc players” to the delivery.
  8. The hospital does not allow “Money Shots”. All photos will be above the waist. GAH! I’d like to see the person who would dare take that photo. BLEH!
  9. Keep your birth plan simple. Requests for complete darkness or 25 candles surrounding your bed will not be honored.
  10. It is never too late to request an epidural.
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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Birthing Class

  1. ahhhh…jen, i LOVED this post! as I am intimately involved in the care of the very exact women who were in your class, this made me laugh out loud. actually, i am still laughing! and you would be SHOCKED at some of the birthplans….i would actually love to see a birthplan that only included dark rooms and candles. i have women asking me if they can actually reach down and help me deliver the baby 🙂 since you don’t even want to see the umbilical cord, i doubt you will be trying to reach down to deliver the kiddo! Oh, and you would also be surprised at how many people try to sneak in the “money shot”. they want a picture of that baby as it is actively coming out of the…you know….whoo-ha.
    seriously, still smiling here. thanks for that cute little post.

  2. pursuit of poppy

    Ugh, I’m dreading spending an entire day in a hospital at our birthing class. I’m honestly thinking of not taking one, is that bad? And if I do, you know I’m going to be one of the girls in point #4 – there a week before I’m due.

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