The Journey is the Destination

Morgan is such a wonderful big brother. He practices tummy time with Leighton, encouraging her to grab her toys and happily starting each musical animal that he owns, saying “watch this baby!”  Morgan considers Leighton when choosing books for story time as well. He brings soft cloth books that we haven’t thought about in ages out of a cubby in his closet and tells me “this story for baby Leighton” and softly admonishes her to pay attention when I get to the good parts.

I never had a big brother, though I had the next best thing in my mom’s younger brother Robert. We were 3 years apart, just like Morgan and Leighton and grew up together much like siblings. Robert taught me to ride a bike without training wheels, fight like a boy, and to make scrambled eggs…all of the things a good big brother would know! We fought like siblings and fiercely defended each other in the same fashion.

Robert passed away 5 years ago at the age of 35 to stage 4 colon cancer and I regret every day that he isn’t here to hold my babies and to laugh with me at all of the sweet things that they do. He was so sick when we received the news that our first child would die that we never told him.

Five years ago this month,  I had to cancel a trip to visit him in hospice and it was one of the darkest times in my life. I couldn’t find a voice to explain that my world was crashing down around my ears and that I didn’t have the strength to face any more sadness. Guilt overwhelmed me when he passed away two weeks afterwards but I would like to hope that wherever he is today–he KNOWS.

It took years to recover from that month of anguish. The journey led me to Vietnam where I finally became a mother two years later to this very special little boy.

I can never regret that the loss of one child led me to Morgan–more than I’d ever hoped for and every thing that matters to me. He is perfectly my child. Willful, hilarious, charming, and so deeply intuitive and sweet. Morgan is such a wonderful surprise in this life. I am grateful every day to be his mother!

Morgan shares my love of imagination and make believe…of stardust and fancy. He knows the importance of finding just the right costume or fashion accessory and even though his temper is quick–just like mine–you will never meet a little guy more willing to love, forgive, and forget.

This morning I had to feed Leighton before giving Morgan breakfast. He said “ok” and left the bedroom to play for about ten minutes. When he returned he said “I’m patient. I love my baby sister! She all done eating now?” At barely three years old?!?

My world? Richer than I had ever imagined. Life will go on.

And this little girl captivates us all.



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7 responses to “The Journey is the Destination

  1. I love that you shared this. So beautiful. xxxxxx

  2. Cindy

    You have such a way with words. You should consider pulling together your experiences in a “published” work. Memoirs of …..

    Your words bring tears to my eyes and make me smile and even laugh. You are a wonderful person with a wonderful family.

  3. Wow. I don’t know exactly what to say except that I think all of us definitely end up with the children we’re meant to have, no matter how they come to us, and we to them. Aren’t we blessed?

  4. Carol

    You brought tears to my eyes. I know you have been thinking about Robert alot lately. I miss him too, so much. You do have a way with words baby girl. I loved your post and I love you and the little munchkins so much!!

  5. that was beautiful and perfect…

  6. Sandra

    This touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing the growth and experiences of your beautiful children!

  7. Beautiful…thanks for sharing.

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